He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We left the knife in your bed.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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