i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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