do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
