Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
