I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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