i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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