John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
