just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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