Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I lost the right to judge tonight
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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