She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
