Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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