party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
