i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
