I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
worst night to have a conscience
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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