You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize