I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize