I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
