My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
