remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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