I need to stop coming to work sober
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
