Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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