The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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