he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I wear drunk well.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
