just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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