I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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