I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
