He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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