Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
