What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
