you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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