I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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