dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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