Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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