I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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