He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize