Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
