I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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