positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
