for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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