i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He passed out mid-signature
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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