At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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