It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
