3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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