the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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