Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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