God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
