At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
