I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
