Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
