Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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