I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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