I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
