Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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