so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
