This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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