The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize