Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
