I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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