Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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