Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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