oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
