Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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