i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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